Relationship Stairs
Relationship Stairs (RS) is an attempt to describe or reference relationship types that do not rely as much or at all on implicit or unspoken traditional expectations or assumptions, but instead are built on intentional, proactive identification and discussion of relationship values, goals, and expectations. Rather than an automated or implied progression, this references a more manual, deliberate, mutually consenting advancement of relationship activities.
Although this primarily references romantic relationships, the concept can relate to relationships of all types. It takes some insight from relationship anarchy principles and was inspired by the below. This is meant to be exploratory and broadening, not definitive or constraining.
+ Popularizing "Relationship Escalator"
In her book Stepping off of the Relationship Escalator Amy Gahran either coins or popularizes the term "relationship escalator."
It is meant to identify the deeply implicit and assumed cloud of likely expectations that exist in much of the US and western world that for many, romantic relationships are assumed to aromatically move through. From her:
"The “Relationship Escalator” is the bundle of social conventions for intimate relationships: monogamy, living together and much more, ideally until death do you part. If you wish to explore a different way of loving, it’s not always obvious what your options are, or where those paths might lead. "
These expectations, over-simplistically, may include the automatic progression through steps such as:
-> Dating -> Monogamous dating -> Moving in together -> Co-mingling finances -> Getting a marriage -> Having kids
+ Sorry, escalator temporarily stairs
Mitch Hedberg (RIP 1968 - 2005) was a brilliant, creative stand-up comedian. He sufferred from increasingly intense anxiety throughout his career, but still managed to provide people with relatable, insightful, and hilarious takes on our world.
In one of his famous bits, Mitch jokes about how an escalator can't be truly "broken," only that it can be temporarily stairs.
- Implied expectations
We remove the automatic and implied expectations that exist for many.
These are inherent, often unspoken ideas about goals, values, or needs that are assumed, but may not explicitly be communicated.
See more from folks like:
Alain De Botton "On Love"
Esther Perel: "Art of Relationship Expectations"
Dan Savage: "Why Monogamy is ridiculous"
Dan Savage and Esther Perel together: "On Relationships and Love"
= Relationship Stairs (RS)
When you remove the automated nature of the escalator, you are left with stairs.
Stairs don't move you implicitly, but rather, the user has to take intentional deliberate actions. Intentionality, openness, directness, and clear communication are hallmarks of "Relationship Stairs."